Self-Help

Motivate yourself with "loss aversion"

Merlin — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 11:28:11 -0500

NPR: Put Your Money Where Your Girth Is

I really enjoyed this Morning Edition story on "Prospect Theory," or the idea that loss aversion can be an effective motivator in goals related to health improvement like weight loss and smoking cessation:

"What we know about incentives is that people work a lot harder to avoid losing $10 than they will work to gain $10," explains Ayres. "So something that's framed as a loss is really effective at changing behavior."

Related to that question I was asked at Macworld: I wonder if a gym membership might be even more motivating if you received a daily email updating you on the wasted dollars you'd spent by not working out in the last n days.

When I started paying most of my own college tuition, I remember realizing that every class I skipped was equivalent to throwing away about a day and a half of the money I'd earned from waiting on tables. It was very motivating for me, and I started missing a lot fewer classes as a result.

”Motivate yourself with "loss aversion"” was written by Merlin Mann for 43Folders.com and was originally posted on March 06, 2008. Except as noted, it's ©2010 Merlin Mann and licensed for reuse under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0. "Why a footer?"

The Economy of the Heart

Joel Johnson — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 08:01:24 -0500

I’m not a Christian anymore. Perhaps I got a raw deal when God was passing out churches—mine was shaken apart in my late teens by a pastor who got busted for sneaking a few hundred thousand out of the offering plate to buy Nazi war memorabilia, not to mention banging a few dozen women who came to him for marriage counseling—but I’ve made my peace with the Prince of it.

One particularly Christian principle has apparently stuck with me over the years. It wasn’t until recently that I rediscovered it. (Not animal sacrifice, which I never abandoned.) And whether Jesus of Nazareth existed as a real meat person or was the product of a coterie of desert sci-fi novelists, one thing he taught has been helping me a lot lately.

It’s awfully nice to forgive.

“Forgiveness is the economy of the heart…forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.”
— Hannah More

Even better, I think forgiveness has made me a more productive person. Or at the least, one able to more fully enjoy the process of production. And since I produce words for a living, that’s a wonderful thing.

I didn’t used to think much of forgiveness. I’d harbor a years-long grudge against anyone for the slightest accidental scuff of my ego, adding my jealousy and indigence to a cauldron of molten spite that I’d tip out every time I needed to get something done. I’d throw in my festering self-loathing for good measure. I’d work not for the joy of it, but to show those fuckers what’s up. It was about as causticly effective as starting an engine by splashing it with battery acid.

Okay, that’s a bad analogy. It did work for a while.

But I didn’t enjoy it. I was all ate up inside. And outside for that matter, too disgusted with my body to take care of it. So like a mistreated engine, I had myself a nice little breakdown right in the middle of the road. And by “the road” I mean “my career.” (Breathe, analogy. Live, damn you!)

Now I’m better. Not totally, amazingly perfect or anything. Better, though, for sure. Happier and healthier! Maybe more productive, even, but that’s not the point.

At least not my point. I’ve forgotten my audience, haven’t I? Just hang with me. I’m almost done.

See, I get this sort of panic attacks here and there, except unlike a typical panic attack which comes on strong and dunks your balls in ice water right after you call your best friend’s fiance “bomb shelter doable”—I get those, too—these are in slow motion. They might take a few days to crest, which is horrible, because I often don’t feel them coming on. I’ll just be standing out on the porch looking at the backs of my neighbors' houses, realizing I haven’t done much work in the last few days, and realize I feel awful.

Then I’ll remember, Hey, I didn’t used to hate myself! Why just last week I thought I was fucking awesome. But instead of trying to browbeat myself back to productivity—You’re so far behind that you must do double the work!—I just let go.

I’m not talking about realizing I’m in the dumps and pulling myself up by the bootstraps. Because, you know, I’m in a dump, remember? I don’t want to do anything now. I just want to pull the hood of an old Ford truck off the pile, crawl under, and die with my bootstraps on.

So I do.

You have failed again, my friend, I say. (I don’t always say my “friend,” but the longer I live in Brooklyn the longer my inner voice sounds like my local bodega’s owner.) And that’s okay. You will fail again. You are forgiven.

That’s it. Profound, right?

Okay, look. I know. It’s not a good tactic for wresting yourself out of a doldrum and sailing around the Cape of Todo. But whatever! It’s okay to go off course sometimes. We are imperfect. And loathing yourself or bemoaning your lack of work ethic isn’t actually doing anything, either. It’s just another way to do what you really want to do, which is obviously to do nothing.

Give up for a while, I say. Take a break. Take a nap. Take the rest of the day off. Audibly tell yourself “It’s okay.” Throw away all the yardsticks you’ve created to track your growth and spend a little time with your inner emancipator. The world’s softest grandmother is giving you a floury hug.

Forgive yourself for losing focus. Then forgive yourself for worrying about losing your focus.

Forgive yourself for making unrealistic goals. Forgive yourself for making goals that aren’t big enough to keep you interested. Forgive yourself for doing work that’s not your best. Forgive yourself for comparing your work to the work of others. Forgive yourself for thinking something other than your work might be fun. Forgive yourself for any single thing you find yourself feeling guilty about.

Then forgive your enemies. Forgive that asshole who showed you up with better work. Forgive the people who have treated you like dirt. (Feel free to forgive yourself for feeling like you don’t want them in your life anymore, because there’s nothing wrong with forgiving but not forgetting. Some people are too screwed up to keep close enough to hurt you again.)

It’s a concept that has faded into the background static for many of us. It smacks of hippie shmaltz. (Hippie Shmaltz Smacks are my favorite breakfast.)

Just try it on for size. Even if you don’t believe in any god, the notion still has value, I think. I mean, is there something religious about being okay with yourself? God forbid, loving yourself? If you take ten seconds right now to cut yourself some slack—to create that space of calm in which thoughtful next actions can be taken—and you don’t find yourself just a little bit happier about what you’re choosing to do (or not do), well, then, you know.

Forgive me?

”The Economy of the Heart” was written by Joel Johnson for 43Folders.com and was originally posted on January 28, 2008. Except as noted, it's ©2010 Merlin Mann and licensed for reuse under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0. "Why a footer?"

Ask MetaFilter on Worrying

wood.tang — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 16:48:23 -0500

How to Change my Worrywort Perspective | Ask MetaFilter

The thing I love about Ask MetaFilter is that it makes you feel like you're not alone. Just when you start thinking you're crazy for feeling a certain way, someone pops up with a question about the exact same thing. Over the weekend, a poor soul calling himself a "world class worrier" asked the hive mind how he could just let it go and find his inner Bobby McFerrin.

As always, the thread has a raft of helpful comments, but the best ones were along the lines of "when you realize you're worrying, tell yourself to knock it off." For all my character flaws, I pride myself in at least realizing when I'm being a jerk or obsessing over something I can't control, and whacking myself around the noggin until I knock it off.

I learned to get over this hump when I started keeping the books full-time for our small business. At first I always worried that I was doing something wrong, that I was going to forget to file some form or miss a bill. I finally threw up my hands and decided that I would do the best I could, and if it was wrong, someone would tell me and I'd fix it. That's all I could expect, and two years later (knock on wood), we haven't been audited yet. What that tells me is that as long as I give it the ol' college try, I can't possibly be the worst accountant on the block, and that's probably good enough.

Self-awareness always opens an escape route away from trouble, either via recognizing unproductive, faulty thinking (see above), or not painting yourself into a corner by overestimating your abilities. Understanding and accepting your limitations, whether it's a time constraint, dearth of resources, or a simple lack of experience, is as much an antidote to worry as the more conventional ones like meditation or positive thinking offered up in that thread.

”Ask MetaFilter on Worrying” was written by Matt Wood for 43Folders.com and was originally posted on January 14, 2008. Except as noted, it's ©2010 Merlin Mann and licensed for reuse under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0. "Why a footer?"

WWLD? No. 4: Living Your Life

glassdog — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 10:09:48 -0500

Our great friend, Leslie Harpold, passed away one year ago this week. In addition to being a swell pal and an old-school web mandarin, Leslie was an endless source of advice and opinion on ~~practically~~ everything.
To commemorate Leslie’s life and to help share her wisdom with folks who never got to know her, I asked our mutual friend, Lance Arthur to answer the question: What Would Leslie Do? Here’s part 4 of 4. — mdm

The biggest part of my life lessons from Leslie concerned those kind of things one doesn't often consider, but which exist all around you every day. I tend to get up and shower and check email and eat a bagel and get a latte and so on and so forth, day in and day out, every day like clockwork. Repetition and expectation. Leslie was very good at listening to the gamut of my life's little disarrays and annoyances and nail the bigger picture to the wall, and usually her advice was completely obvious once you heard her say it out loud. It just took her perspective to bring it into focus for me.

I often wished she would write a book of her life lessons, and now I wish she had dictated them to me so I could write it, so I'll provide you with four of her broadest pieces of advice for instantly improving the quality of your life, and let you figure out the rest on your own.

1. Enjoy your vices.

If Leslie had a vice, it was smoking. If Leslie had two vices, they were smoking and drinking Diet Coke. Which she often did at the same time. Now and again for a number of years, she tried to give up one or the other, knowing that neither were particularly good for her even though she enjoyed them both immensely.

She managed to curtail her smoking habit and for a while traded in her cans of Diet Coke for big glasses of water instead. She began to feel the health benefits of both decisions -- but discovered also that she felt worse, emotionally, even if she felt better physically. She was giving up things she really enjoyed for all the right reasons, but she felt like her life hadn't really improved as a result.

It's your life. Live it how you want to. Accept the responsibilities of your decisions, but also the rewards and pleasures -- without guilt.

2. Treat yourself to flowers.

Guys aren't supposed to like flowers unless they're gay. Girls like flowers, generally. But Leslie believed that everyone likes flowers. Flowers are colorful, they usually smell nice, and if you don't like them you don't have to live with them for very long.

Some people see fresh flowers as a waste of money. They'll just die, after all, and then you have to replace them. And for Leslie, that was part of the point. They're not permanent, you don't have to marry them and live with them forever. In fact, you can buy some now and then without having to keep a steady stock of them like you do your cigarettes and Diet Coke.

Flowers are cheerful, they're easy to take care of (all you do is water them) and when they're done being pretty, they're entirely biodegradable. Add some nice smelling color to your rooms, it's easy, it's quick and and it's painless. No painting, nothing heavy to lift, and the benefits are immediate.

3. Art is important.

You know how you thought that Ansel Adams print you had framed at Off The Wall was a good idea at the time? You were wrong. It wasn't. Unless you're still in college or you're decorating a child's room, take down the Ansel Adams prints and go find yourself some real, decent, one-of-a-kind art to hang.

Most people, in Leslie's view, have a hard time trusting themselves when it comes to art. If you don't like something that seems popular, or you don't understand something that your friends find amazing, you may believe you have no taste or you're not "into art."

That's blasphemy! Everyone likes art! The trick is that you have to expose yourself to a lot of it. You can find art all over the place, no matter where you live. There are small galleries and local artist shows in every city, and you can check eBay for some very inexpensive pieces by artists all over the place in a variety of styles. Leslie bought me a very cute abstract piece that she commissioned from an online artist that features a group of naked monkeys at a birthday party for my cat. And, yes, it's as cool as it sounds.

Get some real, honest art for your real, honest walls, and support your local artists.

4. Take a break. Often.

Perhaps this doesn't need to be said, but the point here is a bit larger than simply getting up from your desk once every three hours for a coffee break or looking away from your computer monitor to avoid eye strain.

Leslie believed that everyone was creative. In some way, with some medium, everyone had a skill to make something out of nothing, or recreate a space in their own style, or select the right shoes. Creativity is as much a part of everyone as sight, taste and touch. It's like another sense one has, and like the others some have an acute sense of creativity and some others, well, they may need some glasses.

Taking a break is usually meant to benefit your body. Give your eyes a break, take off the headphones, walk around and shake the cobwebs off your limbs. But a break also helps recharge your head, and particularly your creative streak. Creativity, in its most basic sense, isn't about art or design, it means coming up with solutions. You're given a particular set of circumstances and you need to find a way to achieve the goal (make a graph, design a web page, get the kids from school without missing your yoga class).

Taking a break, for Leslie, meant pulling yourself out of whatever creative hole you've dug or path you've been trodding and reboot. Whether that's for 5 minutes or 5 days depends on your own schedule, but it was important for her to remove herself from where she was in order to see from a different point of view, or even to just forget the problem for the moment and let the frustration go. It's easy to simply sit and stare and try to force your way out of a problem. Often, it's best to get up and move around away from it for a while, then come back to it with a fresh perspective.

Inspiration can be found anywhere. Sometimes the trick is not to go looking for it, and let it come to you.

Lance's What Would Leslie Do? Series

”WWLD? No. 4: Living Your Life” was written by Lance Arthur for 43Folders.com and was originally posted on December 06, 2007. Except as noted, it's ©2010 Merlin Mann and licensed for reuse under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0. "Why a footer?"

WWLD? No. 3: Organizing your environment

glassdog — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 10:43:30 -0500

Our great friend, Leslie Harpold, passed away in December of last year. In addition to being a swell pal and an old-school web mandarin, Leslie was an endless source of advice and opinion on ~~practically~~ everything.
To commemorate Leslie’s life and to help share her wisdom with folks who never got to know her, I asked our mutual friend, Lance Arthur to answer the question: What Would Leslie Do? Here’s part 3 of 4. — mdm

1. A place for everything.

This has been an especially valuable lesson for me. It's easy and common to toss your keys and wallet somewhere when you enter your home. If you're not tossing them in the same place every time, the next time you're about to leave and need your keys to get back inside, you may not remember where it was you tossed them -- or maybe you left them in a pocket without tossing them at all, but which pocket was it? What were you wearing, and where is that article of clothing now?

Getting organized doesn't necessarily mean stopping by the Pottery Barn and gathering up a bunch of little containers and hooks and coat racks for everything, it's more important -- and easier -- to simply designate a place for things, and keeping everything in its place.

2. Make your bed.

When we're kids, we're told to make our beds. When I was a kid, I thought this was the most supremely stupid and asinine idea I ever heard, but when you're a kid almost everything sounds stupid and asinine. When we get older and can make our own decisions about things, some of us decide that we don't want to make our beds any longer, because they'll only get messed up again later.

Now consider your last vacation. Even if you were only paying $100 a night (or, more likely, a lot more than that) for a room in a hotel, and you came back to your room and found that housekeeping had not done their duty and made your bed for you, would you have shrugged and said, "eh, whatever, I don't even make my own bed," or would you have grumbled internally at how unkempt and messy everything looked?

Making your bed has a ripple effect, believe it or not. It only takes a few extra minutes in the morning, and the benefit is that when you climb in at night, the sheets are crisp and smooth, the blanket lies where it's supposed to without a lot of rearranging, and your pillows are already fluffed and huggable. You get to have that soothing all-encompassing feeling of comfort every night just by making your bed every morning. And it's amazing how much more put-together a bedroom looks with a well-made bed.

3. Schedule the simple tasks.

On which day of the week do you water your plants? Which day is set aside for vacuuming? When do you clean your bathrooms? When do you scrub the shower? When you're doing laundry, when do you include the sheets and towels?

When you start to schedule the week-to-week or month-to-month tasks, they get done! It's amazing! But when do you need to do them, and how often?

Here are Leslie's Rules of Thumb for a few simple tasks. Adjust as necessary according to your own needs, of course.

Water your plants once a week on Thursday. Don’t do it on a weekend. Nobody wants to do anything on a weekend.
Except laundry. Do your laundry as early as possible on Saturday. Even if you live alone, you will always have enough dirty clothes to do one load every week. This may mean not sleeping in on Saturdays, but a non-standard sleep schedule is bad for your health, anyway.
You should wash your sheets and towels every week. Yes, every week. Do you know how much skin you’re rubbing off on your sheets? And towels gather moisture and can become musty. Nobody wants to step out of a hot shower and wrap themselves in fungus.
Vacuum your entire house while your laundry is in the washer. You can do that. Both things take between 20 and 30 minutes.
When you put your laundry in the dryer, dust the house. Dusting should take some time, because you have to move things around and dust under them. Yes, boys, dust under things, not around them.
Fold the laundry immediately. Don’t pile it onto the couch or bed and leave it for later.

One more tip for an awesome bed: Iron your pillow cases. Just your pillow cases. That will make your whole bed seem more tidy, and you can even spritz them with lavender water, so your nose can sleep tight, too.

4. Empty the kitchen sink.

Your kitchen can become a sloppy mess in less than a day, but you can prevent it if you just do one simple thing. Keep your kitchen sink empty. Don't pile the dirty dishes in the sink, wash them as you use them. Get a soap brush (Oxo makes an excellent one) and rinse the glass with hot water and set it in a dish rack to dry. As you cook, rinse your tools and pots. If you have a dishwasher, you lucky thing, rinse things and put them in there. But do not leave anything in the sink.

The sink is like a magnet, or the core of planet Kitchen. Everything starts there and spreads outward. If you start leaving things in the sink until it's full, you start piling on the counters. Then the stove top. Then inside the oven. You'll start to pile things on any and every surface available because, suddenly, you can't use your sink to rinse or wash anything. Keep your sink empty, and everything else tends to stay that way, too.

Lance's What Would Leslie Do? Series

”WWLD? No. 3: Organizing your environment” was written by Lance Arthur for 43Folders.com and was originally posted on November 28, 2007. Except as noted, it's ©2010 Merlin Mann and licensed for reuse under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0. "Why a footer?"

WWLD? No. 2: Keeping Connected

glassdog — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 08:59:20 -0500

In Part One, I relayed a few of Leslie Harpold's amazing and simple methods of looking better every day. In this episode, it's all about staying in touch with the people in your life, and letting them know they matter just by keeping track of them from time to time.

I will confess that I am awful at staying in touch with anyone. Friends, relations, friends of relations, pets... you name it, I have at one point or another completely lost touch with it. I have no excuse, really, and there are a few simple things that Leslie would do to help her not lose touch with those people in her life who were important, whether for personal or professional reasons.

1. When you come across something you know would be perfect for someone else, buy it for them.

Me, I tend to think about Christmas presents for my friends right about, oh, Christmas. Yes, I am one of those people who puts it all off and doesn't even start to consider what anyone would actually enjoy receiving until the shelves are cleared of all their stock and I am left hoping that everyone loves a good Lifesaver's Gift Book as much as I did in Elementary School.

Leslie, by contrast, was always Christmas shopping. She would jot down offhand comments that friends would say about things (remember keeping a pen and notebook handy in your bag?) so that when you received your gift from her, it would be something you either wanted or needed rather than something she felt obliged to buy for you. And when she was out shopping for herself, either online or IRL, she would occasionally run across things that she knew would be perfect for someone else's stocking, so she was keeping other people in mind even when she was focused on her own needs.

It's not a hard step to take, and once you start doing it, it'll amaze you how much more you come to understand your friends based on their likes and dislikes, and it's easier to build up a picture of them and know how they're likely to react to things based on what you know about them.

2. Send Thank You notes.

When you receive something from someone else, it's important to let them know you appreciate the time and effort it took them to think about you, and reward the courtesy with a little token of thanks. A written note is a much nicer compliment than an e-mail, and it doesn't take more than a couple of minutes to write one and mail it away.

This step also does double-duty by making you keep track of people's contact information so you don't have to continually ask them for it. We tend, in this electronic age, not to remember street addresses and phone numbers, relying on our mobiles to remember who called and what number to call them back. Keeping an address book may seem old fashioned, but doing so allows you to easily send out baby gifts, birthday gifts, anniversary gifts and any other kind of token of friendship and appreciation that allows us to continue to like each other in a monetary fashion.

Leslie even thoughtfully provided a step-by-step method of composing and sending thanks at one of her stomping grounds. Take a trip over to The Morning News and refresh your manners.

3. Don't rely on your cell phone to keep track of your phone numbers.

This is a lesson learned from necessity, and one I've only recently adopted. Keeping all your phone numbers in your cell phone is easy and simple. For one thing, it's semi-automatic. When someone calls your cell, you can capture their number immediately and store it in your phone's memory. Asking friends to call you just so you can keep their number on your phone is a tried-and-true bar habit, particularly since remembering anything when you're on your third Manhattan is a chore in itself.

But when you lose your phone -- and you will lose your phone -- what do you do then? It's a little annoying to keep asking friends for their numbers, and it could make them think you don't think much of them, even enough to remember their phone number.

Get an address book, get a contact app for your computer, synch your phone using bluetooth, just do something to keep those important phone numbers somewhere other than your phone. You'll be happy you did, believe me.

4. An Instant Message is not a phone call.

Leslie rarely, if ever, had her Instant Message window open on her desktop. She wasn't trying to shut herself off from the outside world, rather it was a conscious decision on her part to stay connected to her friends. For her, the impersonal and abbreviated nature of instant messaging created a communications wall that was hard to penetrate, because the mode itself forced one to type short messages without any nuance, character or personalization. And even a smiley face couldn't overcome that.

It may have been overkill on her part, but how often are you actually hearing the voice of the people who are important to you anymore? I'm far from being a phone fan, but I'd have to side with Leslie on this one. Instant Messaging has its place, but it shouldn't replace a phone call -- or even better, a nice sit down over coffee. Make contact personal, and make personal contact.

Lance's What Would Leslie Do? Series

”WWLD? No. 2: Keeping Connected” was written by Lance Arthur for 43Folders.com and was originally posted on November 14, 2007. Except as noted, it's ©2010 Merlin Mann and licensed for reuse under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0. "Why a footer?"

WWLD? No. 1: Clothing Optionals

glassdog — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 07:19:00 -0500

There are many things I miss about the loss of Leslie, but perhaps the most noticeable to me is the lack of using her as a sounding board for some of life's everyday challenges. She had a level-headed, clear-eyed way of looking at the little problems we face every day, and somehow she always knew the right answer.

Luckily, I have collected some of her words of wisdom to share with you, you lucky reader, and I hope you find them as useful as I do.

Leslie Harpold knew a thing or two about fashion. While you and I may pride ourselves on the ability to put a white T-shirt with a pair of blue jeans, Leslie's knowledge of the why's and wherefor's of clothing choices were more varied but no less practical.

Here, then, are Leslie's Three Rules for Fashion Sensibility.

1. When trying anything new, always ask yourself "Is this going to make me more or less likely to get laid?"

I know, it sounds obvious, but we are sometimes blinded by an item's price tag or its general sexiness when it's still on the hanger or folded up nicely on a shelf. We might also see it on someone else's body and think, 'wow, if that makes them look that good, I imagine it'll make me unmercifully sexaholic!'

It's vastly important that you literally don't believe your eyes. An important step you absolutely must take when contemplating that wardrobe addition to take a look at yourself in the mirror from every angle possible (it'll help to bring along a "true friend" who won't shine you on about how big your butt really is) and decide if what you're wearing is more or less flattering than what you see when you get up in the morning. Sure, that shirt looks nice on the fake people in the window, but how does it look on your body? And more important, when you're out there on the prowl, is your potential bedmate going to look at you and think, "Hot!" or "Eeeyooo?"

2. Everyone looks good in boots.

Do you own a pair of boots? You need a pair of boots. Here's what boots will do for you: Boots add a little bit of toughness to an otherwise dreary exterior. Your pant leg might drape over them, but the feeling of all that extra leather grabbing your ankles will add a bit of sexy pep to your step. And finally, boots will provide one of the best excuses for wearing a heel, and frankly, everyone looks better when they're tall. Leslie was a 6' woman, so she may have been prejudices in this instance (it is, after all, difficult to slow dance with someone if you can't nuzzle their neck) but I have to side with her on that one.

Plus, there are many boot options to choose from. And one never knows when one might find oneself trekking across the desert unexpectedly, right? Invest in a pair of boots, preferably black ones, and splurge a bit because they'll last a long time.

3. When you find the perfect bag, buy it.

Dudes and dudettes, do you know the perfect bag when you see it? The answer will be different for everyone, but it usually involves the perfect marriage of beauty and practicality. It needs enough storage for the things you absolutely cannot do without (which will include, according to Leslie, lip balm, a pen, a small notebook, a Zippo lighter, one pack of cigarettes -- even if you don't smoke, someone else may, and there's no better way to strike up a conversation with a hot stranger than to offer them a cigarette, a Listerine PocketPak, sunglasses, and somewhere to put your keys so they don't end up on the bottom of the bag), as well as additional storage for the sundries that come in handy at some point or another (facial tissues, a digital camera, an extra digital camera battery, a hair brush or comb, lady's unmentionables). But you don't want it to be so overwhelmingly huge that carrying it around makes you look like a Sherpa.

It also has to be stylish, and this is much more a question of taste. But I would also refer you back to Leslie's First Rule of New Fashion. Will said bag, whether it be a large over-the-shoulder message bag suitable for MacBook Pro 17" glorification or small beaded handbag from Italy good only for a lipstick and two condoms, make you more or less likely to get some naked time in-between the sheets? Now, I'm not sure a bag, by itself, is ever going to get anyone laid, but I suspect that there are plenty of bags that may put that second-thought into someone else's head in the form of, "If that's the bag they carry part of their life around in, what must they look like naked?"

And if that perfect bag ends up costing a king's ransom, it doesn't matter in the least. You can afford it. It is, after all, perfect. And how often does one find perfection in one's life? Leslie owned a beautiful black Prada with a simple silver buckle and a handle that managed to stand up when it needed to for easy grasping, and settle to the side for access to the innards. A bag like that, one that knows what it's owner needs and when, now that's a priceless item.

Luckily for Leslie, she had connections and knew who could get her that bag for half-off. Which brings us to Part Two of What Would Leslie Do?: Keeping Connected...

Lance's What Would Leslie Do? Series

”WWLD? No. 1: Clothing Optionals” was written by Lance Arthur for 43Folders.com and was originally posted on November 06, 2007. Except as noted, it's ©2010 Merlin Mann and licensed for reuse under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0. "Why a footer?"

Resolve Conflict Quickly with The Four Agreements

MargaretMason — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 11:53:15 -0500

The Four Agreements
by Don Miguel Ruiz

I dread conflict. In fact, when I know a confrontation is imminent, it's all I can think about. I mull it over when I could be labeling file folders, I ponder it while my inbox burgeons, while my 3x5 cards gather dust. Conflict is my productivity disaster.

Fortunately, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz gave me a few significant tools for moving past conflict in any arena. The book is about four habits you can adopt that improve your life in general, but I find it especially helpful when I'm anxious about a tough meeting, phone call, email exchange, or personal conversation. Before I head into the lion's den, I review the agreements to put myself in the right frame of mind:

1. Be impeccable with your word.

Words have immeasurable power, so use them with care. Say only what you mean, and remember your opinion isn't fact. Silence is better than saying something you'll regret.

2. Don't take anything personally.

Here I'll quote the book, "Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves." That guy honking at you just spilled scalding coffee all over his lap, the boss screaming at you is going through a divorce. Their stuff has nothing to do with your stuff, and assuming you're the root cause of someone's behavior is not only self-centered, it's also a big waste of energy.

3. Don't make assumptions.

You can spend hours generating theories about why someone did something, or you can just ask. When someone lashes or does something unexpected, save time by seeking clarification.

4. Do your best.

Do the best you can with the conflict in front of you, and you won't need to waste brain power on self-judgements or regrets.

When I can keep these guidelines in mind, I'm almost always able to diffuse a situation. Other benefits:

Resolution comes more quickly because you ask for clarification instead of jumping to conclusions.
You reduce time lost to stress because you don't feel personally responsible for the other person's anxiety or anger.
Initial conflict often turns into a productive conversation and leads to a deeper relationship, because you come from a more compassionate place.
You ideally come away without regrets, having resolved the situation instead of escalating it.

That said, I highly recommend that you read the whole book. It's short and packed with information that will make you not only more efficient, but also generally superior in every way.

”Resolve Conflict Quickly with The Four Agreements” was written by Margaret Mason for 43Folders.com and was originally posted on November 05, 2007. Except as noted, it's ©2010 Merlin Mann and licensed for reuse under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0. "Why a footer?"