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Have a read of Edward de Bono’s “How to have a Beautiful Mind”. This book is loaded with excellent advice that not only teaches you how to listen well, but how to have meaningful and purposeful conversations/interactions with people. Very readable and highly recommended!

I couldn’t agree more with gawp’s trick to listen and not talk during intial meetings. I use this regularly at work - I’m in business development so I meet a lot of new people. I use it even more in personal life, especially when dating. It’s amazing how much people appreciate the fact that you are interested in them, though the trick is actually caring (not just acting like it).

Of course this still doesn’t solve my problem as Teo Zilla alluded to - I can have a wonderful, in depth conversation with someone, remember lots about them, and still not remember their name.

While I haven’t found a solution to this problem, I have found a way to help the other person remember my name. I tell them my nickname - World Wide Weber. People rarely forget this. So at least one of us remembers the other one. Occasionally I get lucky and the other person also has a catchy nickname. Then we both remember :-)

Listening is about taking time and being deliberate. Success comes easily when you take a moment to remind yourself you are getting inside someone else’s point of view, to let that be important. Sounds like psychobabble, I know, but most of the skills of good listening work pretty naturally in this context. Like a good golf swing or a martial arts punch, it’s easier to think of starting the movement in the right place than to think of it as a collection of discrete steps.

This is in stark contrast to remembering people’s names.

I can forget them regardless of my desire to remember. I don’t think name-recall is only a function of listening quality. I can leave a conversation in which I learned a lot about someone, except their name. I can even recall this weeks or months later… sans name.

Remembering names is highly amenable to techniques.

I learned some power name-remembering techniques while “floating” (assigned to work randomly) on nine psychiatric hospital units — sometimes had to learn 25-30 names in a day. The best techniques I found mostly consisted of playing name games like JoAnna mentioned or those you listed above.

I seem to be a visual learner too, so I’d superimpose the face of someone else I knew with the same name. If I didn’t know another name, I’d make up a more elaborate mnemonic. For example, I’d remember your name with the mnemonic The Mage and the Motorcycle. Merlin (famous wizard) Mann (the Isle of Man TT is a crazy motorcycle race). Sounds weird, but the image of Merlin (the wizard) on a Ducati in a tight curve is hard to forget.

When we finally do meet, it’s going to be a very odd conversaion. For we will be forever trying to remember each other’s names.

Glad to hear I’m not the only person who discovers 5 minutes into a conversation that I no longer have any idea to whom I’m talking.

It’s not too bad five minutes in — I think its generally acceptable to say, as I often do, “I’m sorry, tell me your name again…”

The embarrassing part is when you’ve been out with a person on three occasions already and then have to introduce them to someone new! Shades of “Mulva.” :-)

Read the last 3 chapters of Hesse’s Siddhartha.

this reminds me of a scene in “fight club,” where one of the main characters explains why he attends disease-survivors meetings. he said they really listened to him instead of waiting their turn to talk. that really blew me away, since i did/do the same (but less than i did). marc

Admittedly this is only for initial meetings, but my favorite “trick” when I meet someone new is to see how much I can learn about them without talking about myself. I’m still working on it but I find it really helps me focus on listening: anything I do say tends to be a question to further their self-exposition. It’s amazing how long you can get most people to talk about themselves. As for names, I have the same problem Champ.

to remember names I mentally associate the person with someone I already know who has that name. There are lists of elizabaths, joshes, ericas, craigs, jennys, daves, kathryns… The most esoteric is my friend Daniel, who forces me to recall Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. The guy just doesn’t look like a Daniel, but when I think of that lame puppet cat who lived in the grandfather clock, presto! Meow-m’-Meow forgetful sometimes!

[…] « Tips on becoming a better listener […]

I’m so glad I’m not the only one with the name problem. Quickie post with tips: Tricks for remembering names

There is only one way to make people talk more than they care to. Listen. Listen with hungry earnest attention to every word. In the intensity of your attention, make little nods of agreement, little sounds of approval. You can’t fake it; You have to really listen. In a posture of gratitude. And it is such a rare and startling experience for them, such a boon to the ego, such a gratification of the self, to find a genuine listener, that they want to prolong the experience. And the only way to do that is to keep talking. A good listener is far more rare than an adequate lover. —Travis McGee from A Nightmare in Pink by John D. MacDonald

[…] 43 tipz to become a better liztener […]

That nickname trick is great!

Specifically for remembering names, rather than ask the other person to repeat the name, repeat it yourself. If you’re being introduced, shake the person’s hand, make eye-contact and echo the person’s name back to them out loud: “Joe Bloggs…pleased to meet you Joe”.

My problem isn’t with forgetting names, it’s despite the fact I know the right name, the wrong name comes out. With my two little girls I’m forever calling them the other’s name then correcting myself. With a couple of my friends, when I lived with Jason, my friend Brendan I would consistantly call Jason. And later when I lived with Brendan, the reverse was true. There’s this one guy at work named Ace, but for some reason I keep wanting to call him Joe.

~sighs at his brain~

I’ll just stick with dude, man, hun and darlin.

Merlin, your problem is that you don’t have a repertoire of enough generic nicknames! Here are some more you can drag out: Dude, Buddy, Captain, Admiral, General, Bucko, Partner (or ‘Pardner’), Cardinal, Friend, Pal, Old Man, Boss, Pops, Dad, Daddy-O, Casanova, Fuzzy (for a bald guy), Buddha, Big Guy, Shorty (for a tall guy), Slim (for a fat guy), Hawkeye (for a guy with thick glasses), Tough Guy, Brainiac (for a nerd), Mr. Wizard, Arnold (for a musclebound guy), etc. Just build on this list and you’ll never have to use a real name again!

It also helps to turn your body so it completely faces the person. Just having your face towards the person and your body sideways implies that you aren’t fully invested in listening. Having your body turned sends the signal that you are soon going to leave.

[…] I am totally convinced that expert listening is one of the greatest traits found in all quality leaders.  Listening has been one of my weakest skills or characteristics over the years.  It’s one thing that I don’t think can be too good or can be over-used.  Good listening does not just mean being quiet.  It entails involvement, wisdom, observation, tact, humility, selflessness, self-control, timing, discernment… and I’m sure the list could go on for a while.Hopefully, I can get better at listening.  And hopefully, it can help me to become a better leader.In a recent post from 43 Folders, Merlin Mann makes an excellent contribution towards this.  The post is called Tips on becoming a better listener, and I’m quoting some of it here.  There are other references in the quote that are also good sources for more info.In working to improve this socially-crippling liability, in general — to hear what people are really saying rather than just using the down time to formulate a pseudo-clever response — I’ve begun skimming the web for advice. I have these sites and tips to share with you so far, so listen up!From Becoming a Better Listener:Genuinely interested: A successful listener is genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. If you don’t have time at the moment, offer to talk with the individual later… Silence: Become comfortable with silence in a helping relationship. Pauses can create valuable reflection time for the other person… Nonverbal messages: Be sure your nonverbal messages are congruent with your verbal ones. Unless cultural differences dictate otherwise, offer direct eye contact while the individual is talking. It helps establish trust and communicates interest. Leaning forward is also interpreted as an expression of concern and interest.From The Top 10 Tips for Becoming a Better Listener:Tune out distractions.Poor listeners are distracted by interruptions; good listeners tune them out and focus on the speaker and the message. It’s a discipline that lends itself to specific techniques for maintaining one’s focus.From BookRags: How to Be a Better Listener Article:Responses — When asked, answer questions in complete sentences… Repetition — Repeat specific comments said by the person with whom you are conversing or listening… Gentility — Be kind. People appear to be good listeners when they want to listen to others. If you look like you’re listening “just because,” then your listening skills will appear less than perfect.From How can you listen better? - workopolis.com:Do you listen for their intent? New York Yankees manager Joe Torre once observed that he never just looks at what his players say when they’re quoted in the newspaper. He tries to sort out why they’re saying it. What is their emotional state as they’re talking to you? Are they trusting and forthcoming — or guarded and defensive? Sure, the words that they use are important, but they’re often only a small part of what is being communicated to you.Do you listen to learn? The best ideas have a funny way of coming from the most unlikely sources. That’s why it’s so important to be open to learning from anyone that you talk to…Tips on becoming a better listener is a challenge for me.  I’m up for it.  I sure am going to try to put my best foot ear forward. […]

I love the nickname trick! What better way to convince someone that you remember their name than by calling them ‘T-bone’ or ‘Iceman’!

One rule of thumb that a lot of union organizers use is something called the 40/60 rule—try to balance the amount of time in your conversations so that whoever you are speaking to is speaking 60% of the time and you at max are taking up 40% of the time. (Unless it’s management, then you can take up as much space as you want!) It’s not a rule as much as a way to be mindful of how much “space” you are taking up in a conversation and how much you allow for others to have their voices heard.

I have to say the #1 turn off that will almost instantly ruin any relationship/friendship/colleague-ship (you know what I mean) is the person who talks so much that you can tell that instead of listening to your, they’re only thinking of what they’ll say next. When you are that kind of person it’s pretty obvious right away. Who wants to be with/work with someone like that?

Finally…I mean finally I have learned today its not just me with this impossibly humiliating trait. My wife just sorta gives me that look during those cocktail parties or swim meets when I do the usual “oh, hey bud…how are you” things. Both males and females, kids, dogs, whatever have simply become “buds” to me because I simply cannot remember their names. Well, I think I know there names, but I have a moment of panic when I see a familiar face and I think to myself, “I will probably get the name wrong and I will feel like a real idiot so I’m going with BUD”.

And what I’ve learned today and not been fully aware of until now is this happens because of what you mentioned…I am always thinking about my cleaver response while someone is talking…I’m not really listening because I am obsessed with entertaining others with my dry wit and so on. Anyway, I feel so much better knowing many others have this problem and there are ways of dealing with it. Cool.

Join a CONTACT Telephone Helpline. CONTACT put’s one through something on the order of 30-80 hours of active listener training, depending on the local agency. Along with a few years of volunteering, you get pretty good at listening skills. It’s been the best thing I’ve ever done in helping with leadership and mangerial skills.

Oh, how I wish more young physicians would learn from people like you.

Silence is such and important piece of being a great listener. When I was in medical school, I was lucky enough to work with one of Hopkins’ best clinicians. He made it a habit to take us younger students aside and impart a few words of wisdom and constructive criticism with respect to the patient interview. Listening was always a big point.

Sadly, I feel it’s an art that is slowly dying as physicians become more pressed for time…

I sometimes beat up on myself for how bad a listener I am. The truth is that we all have preferred listening styles, and understanding what our style is and building from there is the way to go. Don’t beat up on yourself…instead discover what your preferences are, as these are your listening strengths, then build on those strengths. If you focus on your weaknesses, then your weaknesses grow.

One of my tips for becoming a better listener is to start becoming an ‘active’ listener and learn the art of the ‘enabling question’.

Ask people open ended questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no. For example. don’t ask “Was that fun?”, instead say “Riding the rollercoaster sounds like fun, how was it for you?” - that question tells the other person you’re listening as you include detail from what they were saying and leaves them with an open question.

This is a favourite trick of good therapists and works wonders with “cocktail party” conversation. People will love talking to you and will come away convinced you’re twice as smart as you actually are.

Tony

[…] I’m a big fan of the “repeat what the person just said to you in your own words” tact, even if it’s just saying, “Great to meet you, Thomas.” Just saying the person’s name - or rephrasing their comment or question - helps me stamp it into my brain. What’s your favorite listening technique? Let us know in the comments or to tips at lifehacker.com. — Gina Trapani Tips on becoming a better listener [43 Folders] […]

Interviews are a kind of professional listening. I find it very helpful to take lots of notes during the interview as it forces me to shut the hell up! In civilian life I talk too much which isn’t a great attribute for an interviewer.

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