I heart instant messaging, but I heart it too much. If you’re a chat addict like me, you understand the lure. It’s convenient, connecting you to faraway buddies with little cost. It’s safe, releasing you from the worry of looking pretty or sounding sexy. And its deliciously fun. How can you not love video effects, screensharing, and presentation-hosting in Leopard’s iChat?
Despite the benefits, instant messaging can turn you into a mindless chat drone. Too much chatting replaces real interactions and, soon, people turn into pixels.
To bring richer conversations back into your life, here are 7 bad chatting habits to stop right now. I’ve formatted them as a “not-to-do” list:
Do not use it
It’s hard to envision, but life without IM is possible. Remember the phone? Remember face-to-face conversations? They still exist.
Do not make yourself available 24/7
If you really can’t let go of chat, designate IM office hours. Limit yourself to two hours maximum a day and give yourself a curfew. You’ll get fewer interruptions and maybe even get to bed earlier. Remember, not chatting every moment means you’ll have more to talk about when you see your friends again.
Do not expect a response
After sending someone an IM, never expect a quick response or any at all. The beauty of IM is that it lets you have “slow conversations,” allowing people to respond whenever they want.
Do not send urgent requests
Just because someone is online at 2am doesn’t mean that person is available for a work or family emergency. If you’re not willing to make a phone call, then maybe it’s not a real emergency.
Do not be a buddy slut
Is your buddy list as long as Heidi Fleiss’s black book? According to the Pareto principle, you spend 80 percent of your chat time with 20 percent of your buddies. Identify the buddies you don’t chat with anymore and delete them. If your buddy list is still overflowing, organize them into groups by level of importance or frequency of conversations.
Do not broadcast your screen name
Never ever put your screen name on a website, blog, or social networking profile. This keeps your buddy list short and prevents stalkers from creeping you out.
Do not forward chat messages to your phone
AOL Instant Messenger now lets you forward IM messages you receive to your phone when you’re not at a computer. I call this the electronic dog leash feature. If you have it on, turn it off now. Free yourself, run wild, and go play.
Am I missing other deadly sins? What terrible chat habits are you overcoming?
number 3 is wrong
Slow, take your time, reply to me whenever messages are called “e-mail”. If your IM client is online and “available”, I would find it rude to ignore my instant message.
Not really.
I’d disagree. The instant in “instant message” implies delivery, not response.
Do you always remember to set yourself “away” when you step away from the computer? I’d think it’s more rude to simply assume you can barge in on whatever the recipient is doing and expect them to drop everything and respond immediately.
As he said, if you need an immediate response, face-to-face or telephone is a more appropriate medium than instant messaging.
#3 and #6
I agree with kevwil on #3. It drives me nuts when I am conversing with someone via IM and wait three minutes for each response. I expect an immediate reply, just as though we were talking face-to-face. Ignoring our conversation to browse, shop iTunes, read, or chat with others is just plain rude. I call people on this all the time. A passive-aggressive “Well, it seems as though you are too busy to chat, so I will talk to you later” comment often works wonders.
While #6 might be good advice for females and minor celebrities, it doesn’t really impact the rest of us, in my experience. Few will bother you online, and even if they do, ending it is a simple “ignore” click away.
My personal IM rule
Do not set your status to online.
I use “Leave a message” as status. Then my contacts don’t expect much.
After all I don’t use IM because I wan’t people to disturb me. I use it to be able to harrass my friends when I’m bored.
I use it to be able to
I use it to be able to harrass my friends when I’m bored.
Oh, snap. I block my entire list, & unblock individuals only when I have time to chat. It also means I don’t end up negotiating multiple conversations at once.
Don't forget about Invisibility
I’m also loving invisible mode in Leopard iChat. Better that setting your message to Away, since people will often disregard and message you anyway.
Turn off g-mail chat!
The other day it finally occurred to me that seeing friends on the g-mail buddy list window was causing a tiny stress response in me. I would feel obligated to say hello to people every once in a while, which would involve keeping track of when I’d last talked to whom…an “open loop” if you will. Especially since I’m logged into g-mail for long periods of time sometimes (another habit I should break.) For now I think I’ll just keep it signed off by default and peek in if I feel like it. I don’t need a web leash.
Just Like a Cell Phone
I treat IM just like my cell phone — it is for MY convenience, not yours. If I don’t want to answer it, I won’t. If you have to speak to voicemail and leave a message, deal with it. The problem is that people accept the instantaneous nature of modern electronics as their obligation to respond to any inquiry, essentially making us slave to the devices instead of master of a handy tool.
Sure, I can agree that once I start a conversation with you on IM, I do expect that you’ll respond in a timely manner, unless we’re making random commentary or you specifically sign off. My time is valuable, too, and I try to return the courtesy to others. But don’t expect me to be there or actually answer it when I am just because I’m online. I have other things in life than my IM contacts.
It’s all a matter of what you accept and allow, I figure. Control your life — not the other way around. :)
Except #7
I use all except #7 option: redirecting to mobile phone. This option is not available in my country.